Regaining Who You Are

“I️ need to find myself.” I️ heard the phrase used in movies and TV and read it in books all through middle and high school. It was almost always used by a university aged person who would say they didn’t know who they were anymore. I️ recall thinking how utterly stupid it sounded. “How can you not know who you are? You know your name and your hobbies – what motivates you; you know your flaws – even if you won’t admit them to other. Of course you know who you are.” After all, I️ knew who I️ was.

I️ was a star student. I️ was athletic. I️ was in peak physical condition despite health problems. I️ was the best artist I️ knew. I️ had written a book. I️ liked rock music and sang along to every country song on the radio. I️ was stubborn. I️ led the school’s drama performance every year. I️ was over dramatic. I️ wasn’t friendly. I️ was sarcastic and quick to criticize. I️ knew who I️ was, or at least I️ thought I️ did.

Over the past two and half years at college I’ve learned quite a bit. Not so much about school, but about myself. As I️ learn more about myself I’m left with more questions than answers. Just to briefly touch on a few, here’s some examples:

-After high school, I️ thought I’d never touch a basketball again and would join a club soccer team. Instead, I️ play basketball five days a week and haven’t kicked a soccer ball in two years.

-I’d always thought that even if I️ had no other talents, I’d still always be good at school. Here I️ am about to fail my first class.

-Perhaps it’s just a lack of real effort, but I️ haven’t won a single art entry since high school.

These may seem silly to some, but these are things I️ had used to define myself not even three years ago, yet each one is now negligible. I’ve found myself in a bit of a crisis state mentally lately as more and more of these things unravel in my head. I’m left being a completely different person than I️ thought I️ was.

I️ guess this is really what I’ve discovered: we typically aren’t what we usually define ourselves as. It seems that society or people in general define individuals by their hobbies, interests, talents, religions, appearances, and attitudes, but shouldn’t we be defined by the pieces of ourselves that don’t change? Things that are rooted so deep inside us that no matter what hardship we go through, we can count on those traits still being there?

I️ find it difficult to find anyone who is still interested in all of the same things they were in high school, yet at one time they used that interest to define themselves. I️ know that if someone came up to me right now and asked me define myself, I️ wouldn’t have an answer. I️ don’t know what hobbies I️ can’t give up. I️ don’t know what interests I’ll still have in ten years. I️ don’t know all of what I️ believe politically or in regards to religion. Yes it’s trite, but quite simply, I️ don’t know who I am anymore.

When people question me about my decision to complete the trail mid-college degree instead of waiting until I️ graduate, this is the answer. I️ don’t want to finish my first college degree that has been paid for my scholarships that will soon run out and find out after the fact that I️ have no interest in what I️ majored in what so ever. Just because the majority of people don’t retire in the career they got a college degree for doesn’t mean I️ want to be one of those people. I️ care more about knowing myself than knowing Java exceptions and recursion.

This hike is more than just a long vacation to me. This hike is five months of meditation and learning who I️ am as person as well as what I’m made of and how far I️ can go. When I️ come home I️ hope to know what I️ can live without, appreciate what I️ have, and focus on what’s really important to me.

Thanks for reading. Next week I️’ll be starting with preparations for my hike.

Fly on.

Some Moxie and a Pair of Boots

mox·ie

ˈmäksē/

nounNORTH AMERICANinformal

1 force of character, determination, or nerve

2 The best damn dog ever

In exactly 110 days, I’ll be heading out on the adventure of a life time with my dog McKinley. I’ll be twenty years old when I head out in March and a junior in college after I return in August. My husky will be right around a year old when we set forth. Obviously, hiking with a dog will bring its own set of challenges, but the constant company will be worth it for me.

People make the journey to hike the Appalachian Trail for a vast multitude of reasons. For me, I really need to go for a walk. I’ve taken on numerous stressors for needless reasons and it’s caught up with me. I’m leaving to find myself partly, but mostly to get the opportunity to come back from an adventure with a clean mental slate before continuing my pursuit of my computer science degree.

Growing up I went hiking with my dad at least once a year. We almost always brought our dog Moxie with us – a playful border collie who’s nearly as old as I am now. Over the past few years there’s been several times we thought the old girl was going to kick the bucket including once when she hadn’t hardly moved in several days. My father was certain she was going to leave us within a couple days so he took her out on a hike along with a grave marker to be able to bury her in a place she’d be with nature. Miraculously, the dog seemed to be given a new life from the woods. She ran around and is still with us today – though not as nimble as she once was.

I’ve taken my trail name from this dog: Moxie. I want this trail to breath it’s life into me as it did her. The standard definition of “Moxie” certainly works well with an almost twenty year old girl setting forth to hike the AT on her own also.

In the weeks to come I’ll be updating this blog with my preparations for the five month long hike next year. I already have most of my gear(largely thanks the my dad – love you!) but I’m just starting to plan my meals and pack my boxes. I’ll be doing as much physical preparation as well both outside and in the gym. I’m sure there will be many posts to come with all the details so be sure to check back in and email me with questions 🙂